USE YOUR VOICE - Speaker Training, The Right to Be Free & Alchemy
Help, I'm at a medicine ceremony I thought was a speaker training.
Driving to Mastery Embodied Speaker Training, I’m nervous because I know this will be a lot energetically. I walk into the room and instantly I’m dissociating. There’s too many people all at once. The lights are too bright. Everyone in this room is amazing, vibrant, successful, big, taking up space. Part of me loves that, has yearned for this for so long. I want to be around people who are at the same or a higher level than me, better. It nourishes me. But there’s a small, very young, part of me that’s instantly brought up to be alchemised. Protectors arise and I don’t want to talk to anyone, and everyone can feel it. I’m sure everyone thinks I’m like, cold or something.
Conversation with me doesn’t last long as I have no energy available to put any effort in and I don’t do fake small talk. I’m just trying to bring myself into my body and find a feeling of safety that lasts longer than a minute. It’s not going very well. The whole first two days I’m trying to keep it together. Of course I don’t. It doesn’t help at all that everything reminds me of him.
Just being here carves out the burnt echo on the walls from our horrible explosion. I just wished I could talk to him. I notice things in the room we would laugh about. I break down at least three times in the first two days. I cry in the hallway looking out the window at the airplanes. I cry when my mentor and friend, Miroslav, triggers me inadvertently by saying some of the exact phrases that he said that day over the phone.
I finally get to be with it all as Miroslav later holds me through a huge process of healing and energetic stabilisation. It’s not just the reminders and grief and Heart healing. It’s also the separate initiation that’s happening of me feeling intense unsafety in this sea of other big energies, and my psychic/energetic reaction to being in the vortex here. I’m feeling energetically overwhelmed and that’s making me feel unsafe. But it’s all happening because it’s leading to me being able to hold more, be more, Light. I’m trying to integrate my own Holy Masculine stability and safety energy, open and expand, still process this loss, and free my Heart and Voice all at the same time.
The physical pain of grief that grips my Heart is like a vice, and the unbearably pure Light of my unconditional Love is all rushing through me at the same time. My Heart opens, and opens, and opens, and I feel everything. It hurts because it’s being opened and the pain is leaving. I see white Light rushing through it and it’s so powerful I can barely stay upright. The energy is opening, and yet the pain is tightening as it moves out. The words, “My Love is Free” come as Miroslav asks me what this energy needs to express. He holds his hand behind my back for support as I feel like I might fall over from it all.
Eventually I Live, I become More.
I decide my Heart will remain open and that my Love is Free.
I receive the Holy Father and finally feel Forgiveness of my earthly Dad.
I can hold myself, my relationship with the Holy Masculine and Father restored. And my throat chakra is expressing itself out into my field in a sea of sky blue air, space and purity, and I know that anyone would be blessed to receive my Truth, my Voice, my Love. It’s without agenda, it’s without time, it just Is.
I go to sleep on the stage in front of everyone in our relationship-to-the-stage ritual as I let go of all trying in Life, with safety, with career, with him.
I find acceptance. I left because of Truth. The one where I Loved where it wasn’t wanted or free. And I couldn’t just…pretend? And in fact, neither could he. Both of us trying to pretend like we did, evidentially did not work. I can’t do inauthenticity, restriction. I could see the golden braid of soul connection. I relived the Lifetimes. I asked Spirit what it all meant. I was shown. And the Truth was always beautiful, even when it wasn’t able to be fully embodied here and now. I gained incredible capacity for incredible Love. I allow it all as Sacred. I’m sure I’ll Love someone else even more fully soon. But I recognise that I can never ever diminish this or pretend it doesn’t exist. I love my Holy Expression, my Priestess Voice and Vision, Truth, my Heart, all of it. I’m a golden honey eros drenched miracle with an open Heart capable of fiercely unconditional Love and power. I’m gorgeous, I’m a leader, I’m so worthy, I’m so free, I’m so loved.
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The day after Mastery I met with a good friend and he gave me some of the final integrative pieces for my evolution in it all. “Don’t throw out the baby with the bath water. If it’s right for you, then let it all go. But if it’s truer for you that the Love you feel just Is, and you can let him go, but not the Love, then do that.” That’s when I realised that I had been trying to get rid of it, and ignoring what my own Heart had said in that session with Miroslav, “My Love is free”. And with that, so am I.
“But if we’re strong enough to let it in
We’re strong enough to let it go”
Speaker training was a swirl of time dissolving and energy vortex. It’s never about the speaking. Miroslav is a great speaking mentor, but he’s a spiritual teacher through and through. I can see what he’s capable of in my vision and will do in the future, and I feel deeply blessed to be one of the few who will be able to say, “I was in the rooms with him once, when he wasn’t as big and could still connect intimately with smaller groups of people. I knew him.” - “Know him”, hopefully. The energetic portal we all enter into is a decision to be stripped away by the present moment. Everyone’s soul energy is aligned to rewrite them, and so it does. It’s like an amplified or group-extended version of my own practise of surrendering to one’s own Life Force/Divine Will withIn. We battle with resistance, we breakthrough, we rise. Repeat. It’s Alchemy.
On the last day I was feeling sick and I kept seeing this black, tar-like energy leaving from my lower back. I was scared and asked my guides, “Just allow it to leave”. It was again hard to talk to anyone as my system was going through this purification process the whole day. Towards the end of the day we did a kind of meditation/visualisation where I was able to lie down on the floor. I was falling asleep trying to follow the guidance, so I just asked Spirit to help me receive the transmission. My guides then started working on me like they did in the ayahuasca journey I had had months ago. They lifted and moved my limbs, my body, removing things and opening and lightening me. I was shaking/convulsing with a charge going down my centre, and a wave of it was just getting going as the meditation ended.
When I got up I felt like that was what I’d needed the whole day - just some time to let go and receive Higher Light. I felt a bit better afterwards. Though still tired, I was able to talk a little bit.
At the end of our time together we did a kind of sharing circle that involved reflecting to one another about the growth we had witnessed. Most people’s comments about me were how I seemed very closed at first and ‘it was beautiful to watch you open and witness that change’. I appreciated it but also noted that what would have looked like me being closed and cold was my normal, then I seemed to miraculously heal and change from the work, was actually not that. What actually happened is that I arrived in a very triggered state and so that’s just who everyone met. Then after my session with Miroslav on day 2 I could actually be my normal self again. My normal self is that very alive and expressive version they thought was a huge change in me. I was healed, more, because of the session with Miroslav, yes, but I wasn’t that different from my usual self.
It’s interesting how people perceive you and then they close to you, when you are just not well enough to give them reassuring smiles or a lot of connection.
To me that was a reminder to remember that the people who aren’t being ‘friendly’ are probably just authentically showing you their current emotional world which is really authenticity in action. Their current resting bitch face likely has zero to do with you and is never all there is to who they are. I made a conscious choice many years ago to never be fake even if it might cause people to judge my expression. I don’t smile at supermarket cashiers or tell them how I am unless I genuinely want to that day. I don’t say yes when I mean no. I act solely from self love and I don’t overexplain myself. And as a very psychic person, sometimes I do things that I know if I tried to explain to others they simply wouldn’t be able to understand it because they can’t see or relate to energy the way I do…
For example, avoiding or disliking certain people instantly. In the past people have said, "You don’t even give them a chance!” “You’re quick to judge!” No, I can just see what is actually happening, or going to happen, what they’re hiding, or how they’re lying to you, multidimensionally. I’ve learnt my psychic senses are always right. The time my car got stolen a few years ago, my intuition said, “he’s going to steal your car” and I thought back, “Oh, I’m being so judgmental! I’m just having that random judgey thought because that kid kind of looks sketchy because of his clothing! Ohh why am I soo judgmental?” And then HE LITERALLY STOLE MY KEYS AND MY CAR IN FRONT OF ME less than 30 seconds later! So I learnt. Seeing Truth is not judgement, it’s having excellent discernment and psychic perception.
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Other examples - I might be wearing my sunglasses indoors or put my head in my hands to cover my forehead because my eyes are going through a third eye initiation. I might just not bother explaining when someone asks why I need xyz or why I’m doing xyz. Sometimes I wear certain clothes or have particular words or symbols written on my hand. I may not respond to a question when someone asks because I know what’s going to happen next, right now, or maybe in three months, if I do. It can be literally anything. It’s not an easy path to walk and requires a lot of self security. But I don’t care what people think (as best as I can) because I care about honouring Spirit and loving myself more.
There is just nothing more important than actually embodying authenticity. You have no power when you are out of alignment with Truth. And you have all the power when you are in alignment with it. And as disconnected as this way of living can make you from some people, you know it’s because your Truth is acting as a filter, now it’s only possible for you to connect with people who can meet you to the same degree of authenticity and acceptance. And it makes me real and trustworthy. You know my smile is real. You know my yes is real. I don’t confuse people or get resentful at them underneath because I self sacrificed or lied. I refuse to play the game of the nice person or the good girl or the what’s expected, and that blesses me with true freedom. At the core, this is the high cost to live from inauthenticity, our own freedom. I would rather my ego die on the altar of Truth so that my soul can be free. I would rather always choose me than always be liked, accepted or understood.
Miroslav’s branding emblem is the Sword, which to me represents Truth, and I am definitely going to get one. At this point with everything I’ve been going through recently I am definitely a spiritual warrior. I hope I can find one with a rainbow shimmer handle and gold etchings of dragons, butterflies or unicorns, or just something beautiful.
It was brought to my attention by my business mentor, Jenna, that I own my authentic Voice and who I am freely, and that it comes out in the way I speak and live. “You’ve clearly already done the work with this one, I know others can learn from you on how to stand in their voice!” When Jenna first said these things, I didn’t see what she was talking about. In my mind it’s, ‘what do you mean? I’m just being me?’ , and then I realised that it’s that. Exactly that. And I reflected on the way I’ve carried myself and expressed who I am in this world over the years and realised what she was saying. I have always followed and felt that the right to be me, from generally speaking my emotions or truth, to breaking free of conditioning, to fearlessly talking about spirit and claiming my psychic self in front of people who don’t relate, yes, I see it now.
Ultimately, I think a lot of it comes from the fiercest parts of me who freed me from years of torture and mind control I grew up in, my 16 year old self who broke me out of that. I did so by finally saying no to their commands, even under threat of death, because I knew obeying would cost me not just my Life - I wasn’t concerned about my Life - but my own Heart and Spirit. That ‘no’ and refusal to go against my own Being is why I am free today.
And ever since then I have healed and healed and healed for years to reclaim and free my own mind, and Remember Who I Truly Am on every level. Dissociative Identity Disorder fragments your personality, and you literally do not remember yourself. Mind control programming literally makes you robotic, unfree and turn into someone else and do things your own Heart would never consent to do or embody. When I was 18 and my friends laughed at me when I talked about Spirit Animals, and even made big Facebook posts about ‘weird things’ I’d say, I just looked at it knowing they couldn’t understand and kept talking to Spirit. I had a very old friend who knew me since high school from that era reach out and apologise for laughing at me. He said he didn’t understand me, recognise or believe in the magick, and he could see it all now and he is now an active fan of my work.
So, yea. I am authentic. I am true. And I can teach you how to live and speak the freedom and power this path of embodying your Truth gives you. What you’re really freeing is your own soul, the Essence of Who You Are, and the radiant Joy that this reclamation brings to your Life.
I have come into a more powerful expression of me, my Voice, Truth and devotion to my service and Joy.
I am the Queen of Joy and I radiate my Light upon this beautiful world.
I am the Priestess of Truth, Voice and Feminine Magnetism and I am dissolved and surrendered to this charge put to me by Goddess Isis.
—
BECC SAHASRARA
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