and you made sure i knew it never mattered
enough for a whole entire year
every day you weren't there i shattered
and you left me alone with just your fear
and i held it in my hands singing prayers trying to bring you back to life
saying baby please don't run from me just because you know that i'm your wife
and every day you were choosing everything that wasn't me
was a day i knew we could die and that's all we'd ever be
and you would go to my funeral and be sure of what you did
and i would be watching over you wondering when you're gonna live
and i hate this resentment that still hurts inside my chest
wish i could forget it all the nights that i was just bereft
crying at 4am my hand over my womb that just holy ached
knowing you were okay if you'd never see my face
lighting candles every day for 365
wonder if you ever thought of what that’s like
meanwhile i went back in time just to get the pieces of us back
i relived it all and you don't really understand that
i was at your grave, i held your sword and knew your name
and you were a different man but really just the same
and i can't explain to you living one thousand years in just one
while you were hiding from yourself in all the ways you run
and when it was finally over and i could finally be free
you came back to life, you were resurrected because of everything i did alchemically
it was me that took my holy blood to the cedar king tree
and all the mountain shook as it awakened your memory
for all our sons but especially for you
and i prayed you would remember you and through
these 12 moons i had been grieving every woman's loss
i just wish you understood this devotion to the holy masculine and the cost
and i still rebirthed you while you were dying at the lookout ledge
while you were telling me all the ways you didn’t want to just shutup and love me instead
well i wanted to jump off that edge
instead i still held you because of our eternal pledge
i'll be there at your death
i'll be there at your life
i'll be there as your friend
i'll be there as your wife
and now you're still thinking as if it's a tough decision to love me
as if i’m not a force amazing, damn you’d be so lucky
while i'm still over here living it all simultaneously
and my seer vows that’s not where i would blame you
i just do if you never ever say "i claim you
and i'll never leave you alone again
i know you’re my love i know you’re my best friend
and i'm sorry i ran from all you are to me
i'm sorry i wasn't strong i made it so you had to be
and my denial and avoidance hurt you and her
longer than it had to because i was stuck in a blur
unwilling to see the mirror clear, to look straight into me
when you both did and still loved all that you could see
and while neither of you ran
i was a boy afraid to be a man
and you chose yourself when i wouldn’t
and it wasn’t that i couldn’t
i wanted to just keep you in the distance
come back when i felt like it so i’d never miss this
because i didn’t know how to choose
what i want so much i was too afraid to lose
so i lied to you and me acting like it’s fine
and i wasted so much time
because all this time
you were already always mine”
Cedar - Joy Sahasrara
